I have been over analyzing that moment for weeks. Did I lead him on? Did I make him believe that there was more of a possibility than there actually was? I thought I was doing the right thing, the mature thing when I sent him a text saying it was nice ‘meeting’ him but I was just too busy to date. I guess that was too much for him and he last ditched it with the flowers. . .which came off as. . . uh. . . no! It forced to me think back on other post break up dating moments that made me feel. . . something.
There was the after break-up drive by from an ex that created an awkward moment. I was in the front yard, walking my dogs, he drove by, eye contact was made followed by that moment when you could see his wheels spinning, does he stop to talk to me or does he keep driving because we both know he was doing a drive by. Which would be less embarrassing and awkward? Decision was made, he stopped but it took him a long time to make the decision so he ended up too far down the road and had to back up while I stood there, watching and laughing on the inside. . . maybe a slight chuckle on the outside.
Or there was the ex that showed up at my house and left an envelope on my car filled with pictures of us from our happier times. Funny that he didn’t include any mementos from when he was a generally shitty person and tried to control every single freaking thing I did. Hmmmmm. . . did he think that somehow I would see a pic of us smiling and happy and forget all his bullshit? Uh no. And if we are being completely honest here, most of those pics of me smiling were moments when I plastered on the fake smile just to get through that relationship. We’ve heard that a woman leaves a relationship, mentally, LONG before she leaves physically. Ain’t that the fucking truth?!?!?!
After trying to communicate that his behavior towards me was not healthy.. After begging him to believe me that I am not a person who would cheat on him.. After crying out of frustration about feeling bad about myself.. After having to second guess everything I did, deciding whether I thought it would start a fight..
I was done.
I was still in the relationship but I was checked out. The day that he left for good, the day we were officially over was not a sad day for me. In fact, it was a great day for me. I was free! I was not walking on eggshells anymore. I had already processed the loss. . . I was done. Those “happy time” pics on my car that were meant to make me feel nostalgic about our lost love made me feel nothing but annoyed that he actually stepped foot on my property.
Dating is supposed to be fun and it’s supposed to be romantic but all too often dating gets murky and annoying. At the end of the day. . . I am still a hopeless romantic and I just know it will finally happen for me!