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09/23/2020

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Oh, The Stupid Things We Do - By Annie McFarland

Do you know one of my favorite things? I know. .. I know. . .I have a lot of favorite things but in this particular moment, it is laughing at myself or my friends for the stupid things we do, especially when we have a broken heart or bruised ego. Before you ask. . . The Hammer is still banging and I am happy to keep him around. . .for now. This blog is strictly because of my tv binge from last weekend. You know when you get down a rabbit hole of reality TV and then start comparing that “reality” to yours? My binge got me wondering, what are your standard go-to bad decisions when you are in the depths of a broken heart.


The cliché is that women lie on the couch, eating ice cream right out of the tub, while watching chick flicks. That is not usually my typical ego remedy, but I suppose it could work for some. I generally prefer way more destructive decisions. . . like suggesting that we shit in his car. (if you are unaware of this story, then you should really watch my LIVES!) 


Now, phase one begins with your basic, garden variety break up actions that result in the instant gratification of giving you a little high and flipping the other person the finger. Such as, blocking them from all social media and their number from your phone. This is usually followed by regret at some point, typically after drinking, because then YOU can’t Facebook stalk THEM. So, in a moment of weakness, you unblock them to see what they are doing. That is then usually followed by disappointment when they aren’t posting anything really juicy so you went through all the guilt of unblocking, for the sole purpose of stalking, only to be completely stiffed. . .and not in a good way! 


BUT. . . being the cup half full kind of girl that I am, maybe he’s not posting because HE’S too broken hearted by the break up, that all he’s doing is lying on the couch, eating ice cream and watching chick flicks. . .and what self respecting man is going to post that?
The next step after blocking is deleting every picture you have on your phone. . .it may sound drastic but for me, it’s necessary. I really do not want to see any of our happy times. If I’m feeling weak, maybe, I will leave one picture.
Now that we have erased the past, we move on to phase two, the rebuild. I have been known to text guys that I went on one or two bad dates with, in the past, just to see if they are still as bad as I remember them. . .they usually are.
I absolutely MUST go dancing with my girlfriends and soak up the attention of rando’s in a bar, just to prove that I am still, in fact, wanted by someone. But then while I’m out, I drink too much and. . . well. . .remember above about the unblocking? Yea. . .this is the time. . . I unblock them and the above-mentioned Facebook stalking begins or EEEEKKK. . .even worse, I drunk text them. . .which is always immediately regretted.


If my girlfriends are doing their job, properly and they have prevented me from drunk texting then I may consider the totally obvious “accidental text”? You know, the ‘oops. . .that wasn’t meant for you!’ With some cute emoji. . .but it was totally meant for him! I will confess, I have used this trick a time or two with pretty solid success. Except for that one time, that I did accidently facetime an ex. Ugh. . . complete accident. I was trying to facetime my boy and I hit the wrong name. . .then had that panic moment where I hit the end button a million times, while screaming at the phone to turn off in hopes that it wouldn’t pop up as a missed call on his end. It did. Then I got the text, ‘did you mean to facetime me?’ UGH. . .no. . but now it looks like I did the accidental on purpose thing. Shit.
This is not my normal go to, post break up, but you could always try the online dating thing. . .pop on Tinder or Bumble for some male attention. I’ve mentioned before, that I am not an online dating kind of girl. . not that there’s anything wrong with that! But jumping on Tinder or Bumble for the immediate high of the match when you swipe right is basically the same thing as letting rando’s buy you drinks in a bar! 


At some point, I may try the run into you, accidentally, on purpose. Of course, You have to orchestrate it just right because you have to be looking amazing. You cannot have the first time he sees you, post break up looking all kinds of busted! This one can be a little tricky but can be very effective, if done correctly. 
All these small things culminate in the mack daddy mistake. . of trying to get revenge. . for example, trying to shit in their car. I generally recommend to not actually seek out revenge. . .you don’t need that kind of dating karma following you around. But it is totally ok to think it. . . a lot. . . and of course, say it out loud to a car full of your closest friends.
Look. . . this is a judgement free zone! I have done WAY more than my fair share of embarrassing, post break up shit, so I want to hear what you’ve done. I could use the laugh and if things go south with The Hammer, then maybe I could steal some of your ideas and add some new bullet points to my post break up, get your groove back list.
 - Annie

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